Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love

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Unless you protect each other from your destructive instincts and habits, you will hurt each other so much that eventually your Love Bank accounts will be deep into the red — you will hate each other. The following week, choose a Love Need to focus on. Again, plan the specific way you will implement that Love Need each day during the week. For example, if your spouse’s Love Need is admiration, you might plan to praise him/her each evening over dinner. The fourth Love Buster, Dishonesty, causes massive Love Bank withdrawals whenever it's discovered. And spouses usually discover each other's dishonesty because of their emotional closeness to each other. If you or your spouse have a tendency to lie or distort the truth, chase that bad habit out of your marriage before it ruins everything. Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples. One of the most important consequences of our emotional isolation is that we cannot feel the way we affect others. And that creates the temptation to hurt others because in doing so we don't feel the pain we cause. If we were connected emotionally to others as the aliens were, we would be far less tempted to do anything thoughtless, gaining at someone else's expense. That's because in so doing, we would be hurting ourselves as well.

This book was interesting -- when he would introduce a topic, I would think that it seemed too simplistic, but then he would expound and then it made complete sense. For example, one of the "love busters" is annoying habits (like the way someone sits, eats, takes care of themselves, etc.) and it seemed a little silly, but then as he explained it, I could totally understand how something seemingly small could have bigger consequences. Another example was how the idea of a "love bank" seemed silly to me at first, but then it made so much sense and became something I'm going to focus on in my relationship with my husband. I appreciated this book and it has shown me many ways to take my marriage (which is already pretty darn good, if do say so) to an even better level. We cannot love someone effectively until we know them well. That takes time and it also takes some focused attention and conscious effort. It’s more than just knowing what their favourite food is, or where they went to school. We need to know what their Love Needs and Love Busters are. Love Needs… Since Love Busters usually make you feel good while your spouse feels bad, the one best able to identify them is your spouse. Similarly, you are in the best position to identify your spouse's Love Busters. Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal. Louis K AnspacherDisrespectful judgment is a way of presenting our problems as if they are our spouse’s faults. So we try to “straighten out” our partner to get our way. We attempt to convince ourselves that our opinion is superior to our spouse’s.

Dishonesty may “numb” some of our pain, but it compounds it later. The truth usually comes out eventually. The time of hiding the truth creates an emotional barrier and destroys trust. SolutionI have adapted ideas in this post from the “ His needs, her needs” book by Willard F. Harley, Jr. (No affiliation, just respect for a great author).

A better option is to make thoughtful requests for something we want. You explain what you would like and ask your spouse how they would feel fulfilling such a request. If your request will be unpleasant to fulfil, discuss other ways your spouse could help you. Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit. Elbert Hubbard The best way to overcome independent behaviours is to take them off your schedule. It would help if you switched such habits with something you can do with your spouse. Whatever you decide to do, be sure you and your spouse agree. As a result, both of you are happy, making decisions with each other’s interests and feelings in mind. The analysis of each Love Buster follows a sequence of questions. The first question asks how much unhappiness it causes you. If it does not cause you any unhappiness, it's not a Love Buster, and you don't need to answer the remaining questions. But if it causes you unhappiness, your spouse needs to understand how often it happens (question 2), the form(s) that it takes (question 3), the worst form(s) (question 4), when it first started (question 5), and how it has developed over time (question 6).Making demands is selfish. The partner making demands does not care if it is convenient for their spouse to honour the requests. Our spouse may be reluctant to honour our requests for many legitimate reasons. This reluctance may be due to their needs, comfort level, or sense of what’s wise or fair. Solution Love Busters are your habits that cause your spouse to be unhappy. Whenever you engage in one of them, you withdraw love units from your Love Bank account.